You know what the most annoying thing in the world is? No, you don't, but I do, and I'm here to tell you what it is: public restrooms. No other place inflicts so many petty irritations in so short a timeframe as a bathroom you have to share with every window-licker and mouth-breather in the world. Are other things a bigger annoyance? Sure. But I rarely have the opportunity to encounter such a rapid succession of irritants. I am not one of those weirdos who has a prudish hangup about excreting in a public place, but I think I hate it almost as much as those mingers for the following reasons.
First, there's the toilet paper dispenser. Theoretically, this should be a crucial yet simple part of any lavatory's design. I mean, how hard can it be to engineer a device that easily supplies small squares flushable ass-wipe? (I could make another MTV joke here, but why don't you make up your own?). But, somehow, companies have been fucking up the TP dispenser since leaves went out of fashion. How many times have you found yourself fumbling at some wall-mounted, oversized plastic monstrosity that you know damn well has yards upon yards of toilet paper inside, but is keeping from you like some arrogant, cock-teasing Macintosh product?
Unless you personally have had to change paper-rolls in the exact same model, you had better forget about figuring out how that bizarre sliding trap-door thing works. Odds are, it actually takes a key, and possibly presidential authorization, because TP theft is apparently one of the fastest-growing crimes in America. I have, I shit you not, been bitten by these fucking things before. That's right: a toilet-paper dispenser hurt me. While that may not say much about me, I think the bigger issue it raises is, why the hell is that thing spring-loaded to exert more PSI than an ammunition magazine? Assuming you can actually access the toilet paper, good luck tearing off the proper amount! The "blade" (a vaguely serrated, sometimes entirely absent, edge of rounded, wavy plastic) is typically positioned in such a way that the optimal cutting angle is only achievable by standing on top of the dispenser. The result? You're either tearing off one measly square at a time, or find yourself hold a fistful of paper, half of which is now touching the piss-impregnated floor and thus has to be entirely discarded. Which of course means flushing it away, and I'm not even going to get into the nightmare of flooding a public toilet.
Ok, I take it back, Mac apparently can make these things easily-accessible (unlike many of their devices), yet still superfluously ludicrous. Introducing the new iShit. Get in line now!
Unless you personally have had to change paper-rolls in the exact same model, you had better forget about figuring out how that bizarre sliding trap-door thing works. Odds are, it actually takes a key, and possibly presidential authorization, because TP theft is apparently one of the fastest-growing crimes in America. I have, I shit you not, been bitten by these fucking things before. That's right: a toilet-paper dispenser hurt me. While that may not say much about me, I think the bigger issue it raises is, why the hell is that thing spring-loaded to exert more PSI than an ammunition magazine? Assuming you can actually access the toilet paper, good luck tearing off the proper amount! The "blade" (a vaguely serrated, sometimes entirely absent, edge of rounded, wavy plastic) is typically positioned in such a way that the optimal cutting angle is only achievable by standing on top of the dispenser. The result? You're either tearing off one measly square at a time, or find yourself hold a fistful of paper, half of which is now touching the piss-impregnated floor and thus has to be entirely discarded. Which of course means flushing it away, and I'm not even going to get into the nightmare of flooding a public toilet.
Toilet paper dispenser or thinly-disguised death-trap? Probably both.
Then, there are the sinks. Not all sinks, but certain ones. Hot water is a luxury I have learned to live without. I don't even need half the pressure the ubermensch-toilet-paper-dispenser-from-hell exerts. I just want water. Motion-sensors have seen to it that I rarely get even that much. Seriously, I don't know if I occupy a slightly different plane of existence than most human beings, but I have an impossibly hard time activating motion-sensors. I feel like I'm in a Dos Equis ad. Jeeves asks him for answers. He knows what the sound of one hand clapping is. Motion-sensors do not detect him. He is the Most Interesting Man in the World. But in a bad way. No matter how much I wave my hand in front of the sensor, it seems it never goes off. Then, when I have given up hope and turned away in fuming agitation, the fucking thing switches on for a split-second, I can only assume just to rub it in my face. And I know I'm not the only one who occasionally catches themselves attempting to trigger an old-fashioned faucet with an actual goddamned manual handle. That's two accouterments in a bathroom that can make me feel like an idiot. Oh, and let's not forget the undeniable delight of toilets that are motion-activated. Wet ass, anyone?
Finally, no irritating experience would be complete without, you guessed it, some moron inflicting his insipidity on the situation. What ass-backward, kin-fucking school of mental retardacy (yes, I just coined that word) did you attend where proper etiquette did not dictate knocking before you attempt to enter a public restroom? How can you just walk into the bathroom without the slightest regard? Even if you are some pervert who is secretly hoping to catch a stranger with their pants down, you stand a fairly good chance of that person being a fugly chud. I suppose one penis is much like the next.
And perhaps even worse are the people who knock, but immediately enter without waiting for a response. Why the hell did you bother knocking at all? "Well, I'm here at the door, I knocked with one hand as I grabbed the doorknob with the other, and I didn't receive a warning in the .25 seconds it took to push the door open, so I guess there's either nobody in there or else I'm looking at a stranger's junk!" Brilliant. But my favorites have to be the people who do not knock in the first place, find that the door is locked, and then proceed to try to force the door open. Nothing focuses my sphincter like hearing a doorknob jiggle for five seconds as the Mensa-alumnus on the other side attempts to riddle out why the bathroom door might not open. I won't even try to speculate on their stream of consciousness, but I have to imagine it goes something like this, "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH . . . " When doors refuse to open, they are usually locked. When doors are locked, it usually means someone on the other side does not want you to enter. I have read quite a bit of Sherlock Holmes, but I don't think my deductive powers are that much higher than average as a result. I realize knocking always leads to a somewhat awkward social exchange (Just what are you supposed to say in reply? "Who's there?" "What's the password?"), however, it is fairly minor compared to the alternative faux pas, isn't it?
Oh, and what's the deal with furniture in bathrooms? Not really an annoyance, but what's the point? Is it there for those times when I just feel the urge to hang out in a public bathroom, but don't have to dispose of bodily waste? What a waste of money.
Maybe they're hoping to walk in on this?
And perhaps even worse are the people who knock, but immediately enter without waiting for a response. Why the hell did you bother knocking at all? "Well, I'm here at the door, I knocked with one hand as I grabbed the doorknob with the other, and I didn't receive a warning in the .25 seconds it took to push the door open, so I guess there's either nobody in there or else I'm looking at a stranger's junk!" Brilliant. But my favorites have to be the people who do not knock in the first place, find that the door is locked, and then proceed to try to force the door open. Nothing focuses my sphincter like hearing a doorknob jiggle for five seconds as the Mensa-alumnus on the other side attempts to riddle out why the bathroom door might not open. I won't even try to speculate on their stream of consciousness, but I have to imagine it goes something like this, "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH . . . " When doors refuse to open, they are usually locked. When doors are locked, it usually means someone on the other side does not want you to enter. I have read quite a bit of Sherlock Holmes, but I don't think my deductive powers are that much higher than average as a result. I realize knocking always leads to a somewhat awkward social exchange (Just what are you supposed to say in reply? "Who's there?" "What's the password?"), however, it is fairly minor compared to the alternative faux pas, isn't it?
This sign is not nearly complete enough.
Oh, and what's the deal with furniture in bathrooms? Not really an annoyance, but what's the point? Is it there for those times when I just feel the urge to hang out in a public bathroom, but don't have to dispose of bodily waste? What a waste of money.
In short, if you can help it, make like a bear and shit in the woods.
Here’s how you solve the toilet paper dispenser problem. You break it. That’s right, man, if that thing gives you shit, you just break that fucker right off the wall. The best thing about them is they’re made out of cheap plastic. A swift jab or kick will free all that cleansing paper glory you so crave and desire in your time of need. Don’t feel bad about it for the sake of the business owners who provided it. They know people will need to defecate in their building. That’s why there’s a big ovular porcelain bowl at seat level with a number of technologically sound features designed for expediting shit to sewers. To skimp on a piece of equipment that is of nearly equal importance to the user, and of far lesser consequence to the owner who provides it is a big “fuck you” to their customers. They deserve it. You know what works much better? Two mounted posts with a third post between them. Great job being innovative, modern commercial toilet paper dispenser industry . Assholes.
ReplyDeleteAll very true. Amazingly, I have always just assumed the half-destroyed dispenser was a result of simple drunken vandalism, not a statement of desperation and defiance.
ReplyDelete