Salutations, fellow denizens of the digital domain. You can call me KP, and this is my bar. If you haven't been here before, take a look around. There's really not much to see. That's because this is a blog, not the fucking Smithsonian. You want links? Apps? Games? That goddamned Foursquare QR code? Go back to iMasheep. Better yet, go fuck yourself. You notice I don't have the ubiquitous icons for Facebook and Twitter in my sidebar? There's a reason for that. And, before you say it, I'm aware of the irony of using a blog to rant about the excesses of frivolous technology. I'm just that avant garde. But you'll find more than just tirades about Tweeting here -- in fact, if you scroll down, you'll discover I think a lot of stuff is stupid. Don't agree with me? Think I'm an insensitive, arrogant, out-of-touch prick? You may be right. But I have a blog. And this is my bar.

Monday, April 18, 2011

More house-hunting helpers

The search continues, and so too does my guide for the unwary . . .

“Easy Highway Access!” – It's beneath an overpass.

“Large 2-Story in [Notoriously seedy neighborhood]” – We have no hope of renting this place, so we might as well be upfront about it. Seriously, we may as well say, “Ghetto-ass place for rent.”

Any actual image of the place would scare away prospective renters, so we have resorted to cheap computer-generated imagery.

“Available NOW! Move in THIS WEEK!” – Someone needs an alibi.

“Wood cabinets” – As opposed to . . . Styrofoam?

“Close to hospital” – In case you were planning on frequently injuring yourself. Also, fall asleep to the gentle wail of sirens every night.

“Quiet country living” – Cows included.

“Commodious” – Landlord went to college or owns a thesaurus.

“Takin applations” – As opposed to this landlord.

“VERY LARGE SPACIOUS HOUSE, BEAUTIFUL INSIDE!” – CAPS LOCK STUCK ON.

“Safe, friendly neighborhood” – White women feel comfortable jogging here.

“Historic home” – Murderer and/or mad black magician lived here. Restless spirits assumed to still inhabit either way.

“Spectacular home for $435 per month!” – I don't understand the meaning of the word “spectacular.”

“Double-wide minutes from downtown” – Because there are totally trailer parks in the city limits.

“Minutes from” anywhere – We never said how many.

“Handy man special” – Roof not included.


The fish-eye lens: popular amongst incompetent photographers and deceptive slumlords.

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