You thought I was kidding?
It takes a sharp mind and experience to navigate the world of rent-control and slum-lords. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the terminology landlords and real estate agents use to describe their properties, enticing you with promises only a genie could grant. I thought I would take this opportunity to help everyone with a breakdown of real estate double-talk.
KP's Handy-Dandy Guide to Renting Terminology:
“Cozy” – You can cook from the comfort of your bed, because the stove is right there.
“Private Setting” – Ideal location to be/be butchered by a serial killer.
“Unique” anything – The kitchenette happens to be accessed through the bathroom closet. Nobody knows why. Also, there are meat-hooks in the basement. Don't ask.
“Cute” – A woman wrote the description.
“Perfect for singles” – Perfect for midgets and/or people with low standards. It's that small.
“2BR, 1B, CALL MIKE” – This place is so shitty we will supply no further details for fear of driving off any and all potential renters.
“$320 per month, all utilities included!” – And by 'utilities,' we mean the tiny amounts of cocaine needed to energize the hamster that will be generating your electricity via hamster-wheel. *Hamster replacement fee extra.*
“Close to transportation” – Bums and other undesirables will be constantly hanging around outside.
“Close to all colleges” – It's in the same town as the colleges, therefore 'close.'
“Close to downtown” – See above.
“Lots of charm” – Lots of lead-based paint-layers.
“@@Why Rent when you Can Own!” – I understand neither basic grammar, nor the purpose of certain typographical symbols. You should trust me.
“2nd Bedroom/Office” – Slightly oversized closet, possibly with a window.
“$150 per month” – The heroine addict's dream home.
“Only contact via e-mail” – Because I'm not real, just a shyster with a scheme.
“Hidden Valley Townhomes” – Ranch dressing included?
I hope this has been informative, if not not particularly reassuring. Seriously, though, let me know if you find a place I can live.
My favorite blog entry so far. So hilarious and so true.
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