House-Hunting for the Naive

I am presently in the market for new accommodations, which many of you know is an experience only comparable to the level of fun associated with a barrel-full of monkeys.  But not the boring kind that make some noise for a few days, then go silent and require a midnight burial.  I'm talking about the kind of monkeys hyped up on crystal meth and Viagra, armed with assault shotguns.  That kind of fun.  For those of you who don't know, house-hunting involves lots of tedious perusal of websites (or the classifieds in the newspaper, if you are hoping the landlord is so old he may conveniently die and leave you the house) and frustrating games of phone-tag that nobody wins.  It means going to showings and awkwardly pretending to be interested in an apartment for the requisite ten minutes, while all you can think is, Why the fuck does the house across the street in this shitty neighborhood have a plywood shed on its roof?

You thought I was kidding?

It takes a sharp mind and experience to navigate the world of rent-control and slum-lords.  Nowhere is this more apparent than in the terminology landlords and real estate agents use to describe their properties, enticing you with promises only a genie could grant.  I thought I would take this opportunity to help everyone with a breakdown of real estate double-talk.

KP's Handy-Dandy Guide to Renting Terminology:

“Cozy” – You can cook from the comfort of your bed, because the stove is right there.

“Private Setting” – Ideal location to be/be butchered by a serial killer.

“Unique” anything – The kitchenette happens to be accessed through the bathroom closet. Nobody knows why. Also, there are meat-hooks in the basement. Don't ask.

“Cute” – A woman wrote the description.

“Perfect for singles” – Perfect for midgets and/or people with low standards. It's that small.

“2BR, 1B, CALL MIKE” – This place is so shitty we will supply no further details for fear of driving off any and all potential renters.

“$320 per month, all utilities included!” – And by 'utilities,' we mean the tiny amounts of cocaine needed to energize the hamster that will be generating your electricity via hamster-wheel. *Hamster replacement fee extra.*

“Close to transportation” – Bums and other undesirables will be constantly hanging around outside.

“Close to all colleges” – It's in the same town as the colleges, therefore 'close.'

“Close to downtown” – See above.

“Lots of charm” – Lots of lead-based paint-layers.

“@@Why Rent when you Can Own!” – I understand neither basic grammar, nor the purpose of certain typographical symbols. You should trust me.

“2^nd Bedroom/Office” – Slightly oversized closet, possibly with a window.

“$150 per month” – The heroine addict's dream home.

“Only contact via e-mail” – Because I'm not real, just a shyster with a scheme.

“Hidden Valley Townhomes” – Ranch dressing included?

I hope this has been informative, if not not particularly reassuring.  Seriously, though, let me know if you find a place I can live.