If you think a monkey could do this job, you're underestimating the monkey

Perusing my previous entries, I see it has been a while since I last posted any new material.  If that is the case, it typically means nothing and no one has especially pissed me off lately, necessitating a rant.  As usual, when the demon of writer's block rears its ugly head (think Mola Ram, the bat-shit skull-hat dude from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, but with Nancy Grace's face), I turn to that perpetual annoyance machine, Facebook.  More specifically, the advertisements that muscle my vital timeline posts aside and scream, What the fuck are we even selling?!?

This one only appears after 12 AM, on Comedy Central.

Whoa!  Not only do I need to have reached the age of legal adulthood, but also legal majority!  Even if I'm old enough to get shit-faced at bars, I'm still not mature enough to handle the epic badassery and pure wild intensity that is Battle Pirates on Facebook.  That is some hardcore gaming!  Or so this ad seems to suggest.  And of course it goes without saying that anyone over 42 would be in danger of a massive coronary from sheer awesome overdose.  Better stay away, Gramps!

Two-for-one deal!  See if you can spot the bogus ads!

First, Gillette: you are a razor-blade company.  You make appliances that cut the hair from my face (and other areas on special occasions).  That is the beginning and end of our relationship.  Unless it involves the sexy aftermath or copious amounts of squirting blood, no shaving "story" could possibly be of interest to anyone of the non-sociopathic variety.  The fact that it's Andre 3000's facial grooming anecdote adds approximately "Hey No!" appeal.  Do you like what I did there?

Second, AVG.  Most of you shiftless Internet-moochers probably recognize this as one of the leading free computer security software providers.  You may also notice this has almost exactly fuck-all to do with pitting human beings against predatory felines, as the link promises, a blurb more suited to one of Spike TV's "World's [Whatever]est [Whatever] Caught on Video" specials.  In perhaps one of the most bizarre cross-promotional strategies ever devised by people on significant amounts of cocaine, the video shows AVG's own "documentary team," which they have, building a protective cage out of 3.5 million toothpicks to serve as an observation post for watching wild tigers, all as a vague metaphor for how AVG's huge security network functions.  If I could make up shit like that, I would not be writing a free blog.

"No, seriously, Mitch, I have this fan-fuckin'-tastic
seasonal pun no one has ever thought of before!"

Actually, I don't really fault the makers of this one, but when I caught a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye, my immediate thought was, "Just another Dark Knight Rises knockoff image."

What, just me?

That may say more about my subconscious than anything else.  On the other hand, since content-tailored, targeted marketing is a major trend on the Internet, this may just be one of the subtlest, most insidious examples yet.  It wouldn't be the first time Facebook & Co. gleaned certain information about my mental state from my profile to exploit me . . .

Focus on the top one, not WoW: Kung Fu Panda Skadooshion.

In all seriousness, there is a definite excess of lightsabers on my sidebar overall.  This one in particular is really reaching for the connection, though.  Putting aside that (1) no Jedi could ever be without work in this dark universe and (2) that kid is way too young to be anything more than a Padawan, what reputable corporation would cater to me this way?  Do they think remedial alliteration instills respect?  (That would be your word of the day, ignorant masses.)  Or that I automatically want to associate with anything Star Wars-related, however remote the degree, out of desperation?  "Douchebags, you are."

Clearly, her response to, "Hey, you forgot your pants."

And if it's not lightsabers, it's tits.  If you thought lightsabers were relatable to anything, the pushin'-cushions are more versatile than Bear Ghrylls' Swiss Army knife.  Just ask Ms. Camel-Toe up there.  When she's not tapping into my meme-savvy hipster disillusionment with the tee-shirt she's schilling, she's promising me I can tap her with my "Single" status on Facebook.  All right, that metaphor broke down a little, but it was still pretty damned clever.  Naturally, it doesn't take Mark "If You Don't like 'Timelines,' Go Back to Myspace" Zuckerburg's filter algorithms to determine sex sells.

Nice crossbow.

This gem comes from another non-pornographic website I frequent where certain assumptions are going to be made about the target demographic.  Need I point out how hard it is going to be for her to operate that windlass, let alone aim the bow, with such overripe melons bursting from her ill-laced bodice?  (Eat your heart out, whoever writes those crap "romance"/girl-porn paperbacks.)  Hell, they even give you choices when it comes to which Final Fantasy ripoff, maybe-animated chick you can digitally bone to thwart the forces of evil, because that totally makes sense.

Where's Rikku's doppelganger?  I want to up her skill-tree level.*
*Joke will be understood by roughly .1% of readers

Speaking of fail on a level so epic no meme has yet encompassed it, there are those ubiquitous adverts for various "universities," "institutes," "academies," and "back-alley scams with websites on pirated servers in countries you cannot pronounce and, frankly, don't believe exist."  And, boy howdy, will they educate the shit out of you.  In much the same way you learned not to follow the links your so-called "friends" sent you for "goatse" or "two girls one cup."  But, honestly, if you can't see the false promises coming when the ads look . . . well, the way the majority of them look, you deserve whatever financial corn-holing you receive.  That, intrepid followers, is legitimate rape.

Her application to NASA reads:
Major in Space Studies
Minor in Swallowing for Career Advancement

Credentials nearly as credible as this ad:

For the record, I captured this image from my Facebook page only four months ago, which for the uninitiated is, give or take, six months after the release of the game in question.  If you are still signing up to beta-test a game that came out that long ago, you have about as much business in gaming as Jesse Ventura had in politics.  Does anyone remember him?  Professional wrestler who became the governor of Minnesota in the '90s?  Well, look him up.

KP, out.