Save your money
Testosterone is a cruel master, I know. It is the dick-shaped cross we males bear. But try not to let this chemical imbalance cloud your brain, at least when it comes to your finances. If not for your own dignity and that of our gender, then to stick it to the women who exploit this weakness, knock it off. Unless a woman is a confirmed penny-pony, stop paying for her beauty and feminine wiles. Avoid businesses like Jude's Barbershop, Hooters, and basically any place you are paying extra explicitly to be surrounded by hot women whose job has absolutely nothing to do with hotness. This goes double for any guy who tips the waitress excessively for leaning over the table. If you are going to pay for sex appeal, just go ahead and pay for the sex as well. Get yourself a hole for hire. Then you don't have to go through the creeping stage where you act like a horny 20-year-old who has no clue how little chance he has with his intended victim. And the venue being a bar does precisely jack-shit to change your odds, unless she is the one drinking, as opposed to you. Even then, don't bet on it, Cialis Man. I am talking about yet another manifestation of the many-headed beast that is That Guy.
I spy with my little eye something rapey. |
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Yeah, dawg, I'm sure she likes you for reals. |
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She was five when you punched your V-card. |
Bro-toos
This is going to be a touchy subject for a lot of you, my brothers-in-ink. The tattoo is a risky thing, and I am not talking about hepatitis or rare forms of heavy-metal poisoning. Those just make tattoos more badass. A tattoo, at least if you are a man, is supposed to say something about you - don't let that something be I am a chotch who all should revile. Chinese lettering, generic tribal patterns, and barbed wire are now the brands of douchebaggery. It's like a lilac polo with a popped collar you can never take off without a laser skin-peel.
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If you see nothing wrong with this pic, just skip this entire subsection. |
To a lesser extent, the placement of your tat should also be taken into account. If you already have ink in half a dozen places on your body, don't sweat it when you get your next one, so long as you avoid the stereotypically-feminine regions (feet, lower back, crotch . . . God, women are masochists). But if, like me, you are particular about how many tattoos you are going to get, consider carefully where you place that Tasmanian Devil. Longtime comedian, anger-management failee, and social commentator Denis Leary has homed in on the calf as the location most likely to indicate a strong potential for toolage, which he describes in his Denis Leary & Friends pretty accurately.
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"You got a tattoo, a Chinese symbol on your calf, which you think means 'infinity,' but actually in Chinese means 'kill me first when you invade America.'" |
Cool it, turbo
Nothing screams "I am sexually insecure about something!" like revving your engine for attention. No, it doesn't matter how sweet your ride is, though, at that point, it's probably already pretty obvious you suffer from compensatory syndrome. The fact that the motor inside the vehicle you are operating can make loud, obnoxious sounds in no way reflects positively on you, even less so when said transport is a tricked-out 1997 Pontiac Sunfire. Same goes for peeling out of the 7-11 parking lot.
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"Whoa, did you see that? His dick must be enormous, rivaled only by his monstrous libido!" |
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"Hey, Old Man River, you want to race?!? Huh? What? Yeah, that's what I thought, fag! Score one awesome point for me! I am fucking sweet!" |
That is all for now, gents. KP, out.
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