Let's start with a little bit of history, because the Olympiad is seriously one of the oldest, most-revered traditions in the Western World, on par with keeping down brownish people. Since the days of Classical Antiquity, athletes have come together in a spirit of peace and camaraderie to compete against one another on behalf of their homelands in a way that doesn't involve bloodletting. Even the bitterest rivals in Ancient Greece could meet on the sacred fields of the Olympiad instead of the battlefield to settle old scores and prove the merits of various ab workouts. It sure beat the hell out of the United Nations. Truly, the Greeks were an enlightened, civilized people well ahead of their time.
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Pictured: Enlightened civilization. |
Skip ahead to 1896, when the tradition was officially revived, birthing the modern Olympics, a global competition between freakish specimens of humanity whose time might better be served acting as actual goddamn superheroes, brought to you by McDonald's. But I think it's safe to say our venerable forebears would laugh their togas off at the sight of certain events . . .
Racewalking
You knew this was coming. Even when this event (and I use the term in the broadest possible sense) was added to the docket, I have to imagine at least a few skeptics fairly pointed out, "Hey, that's complete bullshit." Because we already had pedestrian races that employed the more-traditional means of speedy foot-based locomotion called "running." It's kind of been around for a while.
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So easy, even a cave- . . . well, you know the rest. (NOTE: Quota for 3/4 naked, ripped men filled.) |
There are two rules that govern racewalking. The first dictates that the athlete's back toe cannot leave the ground until the heel of the front foot has touched. Violation of this rule is known as loss of contact. The second rule requires that the supporting leg must straighten from the point of contact with the ground and remain straightened until the body passes directly over it. These rules are judged by the human eye, which creates controversy at today's high speeds. Athletes may sometimes lose contact for a few milliseconds per stride which can be caught on high-speed film, but such a short flight phase is undetectable to the human eye.The fact that specific rules had to be laid down to define walking, so as to avoid confusion with really slow jogging, should have precluded it receiving serious consideration for Olympic contention. Bizarrely, women were barred from this glorious event until 1992, and, stranger still, they actively campaigned to be allowed into this ridiculous farce. Hooray for feminism?
Ping Pong
Because, really, it's fucking ping pong. End of story.
Synchronized Swimming
You've probably seen it lampooned in parodies of olden musicals, but I'll bet more than half of you didn't even know it was a real thing. Yes, I have that much faith in my readership. Swimming in formation with other swimmers is considered not only a legitimate pastime for non-weirdos, but an actual sport. Even the International Olympics Committee, the shadowy, Illuminati-like cabal governing the Games, agrees. I hate to say this, but it feels like a half-assed, old-timey attempt at political correctness. The conversion probably ran something like this:
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"Well, women certainly can't participate in any real, manly sports." |
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"Of course not, old boy! But we should give them something . . ." |
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"Competitive dish-washing? Speed-birthing?" |
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"Jolly good, but no. Wait, I've got it! Swimming together! To music!" |
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"Capital! It's feminine, slightly exploitative, and easily mocked by other athletes!" |
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Doesn't count. |
Badminton
Nope, I'm not making that up. Badminton is something you can get a gold medal for. Isn't badminton just the geriatric form of tennis anyway? I thought we invented it so seniors could keep swatting objects back and forth across nets with rackets. If you are among the world's elite badminton prodigies, shouldn't you just be playing tennis? I suspect there is more money and recognition involved, though I am no sports agent.
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Damn, it's getting meta in here. (If you get this reference, congrats, you're old.) |
I suppose I should be glad that some past events have been culled from the lineup. Former Olympic competitions include tug of war, motorized boating, and something called basque pelota, a sport so obscure and obtuse only one match was ever played, between the only two countries to bother fielding a team, and nobody could be troubled to record the final score for history. Believe it.
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Apparently, it's some form of Victorian scoop ball. Sweet. |
I agree with you on the race walking (I had no idea that even existed), but you've got to give more credit to the synchronized swimmers. I did synchro for a year in college (I was terrible!), and it is really difficult! In addition to being an amazing swimmer, you have to be extremely flexible and strong in order to support your smiling carefree self as you do all those moves. Michigan hosted the national competition that year and seeing top notch performers will blow you away. Redundant? No way!
ReplyDeleteI was hoping for some bashing on the equestrian events.
ReplyDeleteOh, I could have gone all day, if I really wanted to say everything I thought. To address your question, I shall quote my own Facebook post . . .
DeleteEquestrian: the First World's middle finger to all others at the Olympics. "Oh, you don't have a practice course, Palau? You've never seen a horse in person? What a shame." *monocle adjust*