Who's that you ask?
Well, for those of you 90s babies who are too young to recall, Dr. Robotnik/Eggman is the archnemesis of Sonic the Hedgehog, undeniably the coolest platform mascot of his time (suck it, Mario). Yeah, Sega crashed and burned after the failure of its not-quite-next-gen Dreamcast, but the company was on the scene, kicking ass, and taking names long before Xbox was a pixelated gleam in Bill Gates' eye. Sonic was the definition of a 90s kids' hero: laid-back yet defiant, funny, fearless, infinitely savvier than his enemies, as fast with his quips as his feet, and naked save for a pair of white gloves and red shoes (it was a weird time). And his counterpoint was Dr. Robotnik, a morbidly obese, rage-prone, humorless megalomaniac who mostly moved around via motorized chairs and armed hovercraft, trying to turn the world's furry fauna into automated soulless simulacra.
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Trust me, whenever this fucker showed up on-screen, your heart skipped a beat. |
So, yeah, this whole thing was pretty much a lead-in to a fat joke. Sorry, it's a slow week. But I still have a point to this article, a touchy issue I am about to manhandle with all the sensitivity and compassion of George Carlin. And I am not promising it will even be as funny as his take on social issues. You've been warned, and that is as close to an apology as you will get out of me.
Few times in my career have I felt guilty about supplying our company's fat-, cholesterol-, sodium-, calorie-laden food to all and sundry, but I couldn't help feeling a bit dirty in this instance. The man, if he could have stood, was probably no more than six feet tall, and had to weigh in excess of 450 pounds, judging by most gorillas I've known. It was all I could do to stop myself laughing at his predicament, which I achieved only by pretending he wasn't there while he looked over our takeout menu. When he asked me where the burgers were listed, I had to restrain the urge to direct him to the salad page. My manager quietly suggested I offer him a drink while he waited, and I could not believe it - the guy was in all probability dying of Type 2 diabetes on the spot, and I'm supposed to push more calories and sugar on him? Before you call me a callous, mean-spirited, opportunistic twat, let me just say, I am one. Happy?
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At least I do it for free. |
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Oddly enough, they look just like another classic video game boss: Kaid of Metroid Prime. |
I hate to say it, but this is a byproduct of modern American fuzzy thinking, which intentionally blurs the lines of reason, accountability, and simple reality in favor of political correctness, pop psychobabble, and trendy "thinking." To put it bluntly, nobody wants to call a spade a goddamned spade. I am sick of hearing people claim that being fat is natural and we need to appreciate it. Obviously, homo sapiens can fall into a plethora of body-types depending on the individual, but let's take a gander at the rest of the animal kingdom, shall we? How often do you encounter morbidly obese whitetail deer? Or coyotes? For that matter, in countries where food is available but limited and generally healthy, why don't some people just grow up to resemble Chris Farley if that's part of our genetic makeup? No other mammalian species has the massive weight-range we do, because it's not truly natural.
A lot of this has to do with knee-jerk reactionary sentiment, or, as I prefer to call it, people being dumbasses. When starving yourself became a trend in professional modeling, the masses felt obliged to follow suit. Well, now the pendulum has swung the other way. Hard. I think it started with the public outcry to re-proportion Barbie's smoking figure, because little girls apparently felt a deep pathological need to emulate their toys.
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I empathize. My childhood was a tormented, fruitless quest to look like this. |
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*Not pictured: more fatsos, because they didn't fit in the frame. |
The truly disgusting part of this is the way parents doom the next generation to the same fate. For whatever reasons, you're fine with being overweight. That is your decision. Fair enough. But turning your offspring into little porkers when they are malleable and don't know any better is borderline criminal negligence. As a server, I have seen far too many moms and dads let their child suck down cup after cup of Coca-Cola. Or, if they're really responsible guardians, Diet Coke, because we all know carcinogenic artificial sweeteners, sodium, and empty calories are just what growing bodies need. They're just kids, they can worry about working off the fat-rolls when they're older and it's ten times harder, right? Nice logic. And then you have the gall to encourage them to eat more unhealthy food?
CUSTOMER: (as if I already know or care what the kid's name is) Devin here will have the chicken fingers.
ME: (extremely reluctant, very fast, and barely audible) Any dipping sauce besides ketchup?
DEVIN: (enthusiastic) Ketchup!
CUSTOMER: Devin, how about some ranch? Do you want ranch?
DEVIN: (insistent) Ketchup!
CUSTOMER: But what about ranch?
DEVIN: (whiny) I want ketchup!
CUSTOMER: He wants ranch.
ME: Fuck you. (but only on the inside)
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Wrong on more levels than hell. |
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot the obligatory hot girl picture.
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I mean, really, how dare she promote such a dangerously unhealthy, unattainable standard? Whore. |