Oh, Yes, I Did (*Snap*)

Hey, America, you know what I absolutely hate?  Of course you do - I come here to bitch about it all the time.  But what am I taking issue with today specifically?  Fashion and style shows on TV.  This is the genre of programming in which the most pompous and pretentious people imaginable criticize everyone, but especially celebrities, for wearing certain clothing.  While I am usually all about throwing idiots, famous or otherwise, under the bus, I find shows created for that express purpose grating.  The hosts are usually a sort-of attractive, but overly-made-up bitch and a ludicrously flamboyant male who gets to call himself a style expert simply by dint of being gay.

Because this is what you should aspire to: white slacks, faux denim, and silver hair.

What many viewers seem to lose sight of amidst the glamor and bullshit fashion doublespeak is the fact that these critics are complete prats themselves.  Why should you listen to them?  They will even claim on-air that a positively ridiculous outfit is unacceptable for one person, yet "just works" for another.  For the record, Lady Gaga's "style" does not work for anything remotely human, no matter how much your queer subculture idolizes her.  Women more often than men get sucked into this vortex of trend trash-talk and self-image questioning because . . . well, they're women.

Let's be honest.

So, what's my logical response to these shallow, pointless, soul-raping programs?  My own fashion guide for women, of course!  Yeah, I went there.  That's right, I am here to provide you ladies with a bit of sartorial wisdom, mostly accrued through simple observation tempered with common sense.  I am aware this will not gain me a bevy of female friends or particularly please my undoubtedly enormous feminist fanbase, but that is a risk I am willing to take.  Bros before 'hos and all that.  I realize the realm of feminine fashion is far more complex and fraught with peril than ours, even though you can wear our clothes when we cannot wear yours, and we can avoid all ridicule simply by rocking this look:

*Indestructible claws and urban decay optional.

I am not going to bother with all the obvious gaffes (Daisy Dukes are only for a select few women, shoulder-pads and leg-warmers died in the 80s, do not attempt to replicate anything worn by Snooki, etc.), but instead focus on the smaller WTFugly trends that have somehow slipped under the bad taste radar.

High-Waisted Short-Shorts

Why is this woman topless?  For the same reason covers of women's magazines look basically like the covers of men's magazines: T'n'A sell, no matter your target demographic.

In what world is this style attractive?  Actually, it is a testament to just how fugly these chick-jorts are that (1) the advertisers put them on a 3/4 naked Asian woman to distract from what little she is wearing, and (2) it did not even achieve that much, since my first thought was, Damn, those are some hideous shorts.  And she's a model!  What do you think the odds are you can pull off this look when she can't?  If there is a body-type that this little number does flatter, I have yet to see it, and hope I never do, because it would have to be something like eggplant-shaped.  Maybe a starfruit figure?  These shorts do weird things to any woman's proportions, accentuating nothing that needs it.  Your ass just sort of blends into your back, while from the front it looks like you cut off your grandmother's jeans.  Hot.

Isn't the point of a croptop to leave the midriff exposed?

Quasi-Maternity Wear

I don't know how else to describe these tops that have become all the rage over the past three years, especially in the bohemian-indie-hipster-art scene.  They are the Empire-inspired peasant smocks that have no definable waistline and simply drape straight from the boobs down.  To the best of my knowledge, this shapeless cut was designed to accommodate a growing baby-bump.  Why, then, have so many of you non-inseminated females taken to wearing these?

  

From the above photos, you tell me who's a prego and who isn't.  Honestly, males are bad enough at this game without you throwing bullshit curve balls.  At this point, you're just looking for an excuse to bitch us out for miscalling a pregnancy, aren't you?  All clothing need not be figure-hugging, but it should follow the basic contours of your body.  And, sorry to say, the larger your cup-size, the sillier this garment generally looks, as if you tried to pull your flowy skirt over your head and got it caught halfway down.  As an additional bonus, I have to imagine it increases the odds that a strong breeze will result in you unintentionally flashing the headlights.  Think Marilyn Monroe's famous pose above a venting steam-grate.

Skinny Jeans

Yeah, they look stupid on guys.  Do they look much better on women?  Not usually.  Don't get me wrong, we of the courser sex appreciate you wearing tight clothes in general, but it should be tight in the right places.  My Man Card may be revoked for revealing this, but when you feel guys' eyes following you out of the room, it's not because they are checking out your calves, well-toned as they may be.  Enter skinny jeans: if you are thin enough to comfortably wear them, you could probably use some carbs, and if not, those pants are probably choking off your ovaries.  It makes your feet look bigger than they are, too, and pairing them with tapered heels just screams hooker.

Or at least loudly proclaims tramp.

Not to mention, due to the proliferation of misguided Emo-Asian-Skater-Punk boys sporting skinny jeans nowadays, it actually makes you appear strangely androgynous (word of the day!).  Men are sexually insecure enough without adding to the confusion.  Imagine ogling a hot piece of meat from behind (if you'll pardon the expression), only to realize when it turned around that it was the same gender as you!  Only that wasn't hot and borderline-socially-acceptable.  Feel our befuddled, neanderthal pain, bi-curious ladies!

Wait, I just blanked out . . . what was I saying?  Oh yeah, more on this later.