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Representative Weiner - Ha, irony can be so ironic!

Why is it that politicians always seem to think they can keep secrets about themselves?  If there is any profession that more or less dictates you broadcast your every thought and deed to the public, it's public office.  That's why it's called "public."  So what made Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-Moronia) believe he could send poorly-staged, unsexy "sexts" to a variety of women with all the precision of buckshot?  "Hey, I'm an empowered, middle-aged, married, unattractive man.  Look at my penis!"  What was his logic?  What possible good did he foresee coming of this course?  Did he think it would get him some action?  As many, many politicians have proven since roughly the advent of society, there are plenty of ways to solicit BJs without resorting to the use of lewd messages and awkward attempts at softcore porn.

We can only hope this is a real transcript.  Hope, and pray.

Then, when he is inevitably busted, on charges of Complete Dipshittery, he cries like a little bitch and whines that he doesn't want to resign.  While I will grant this kind of scandal says absolutely nothing about his ability to bicker with other middle-aged white men, it's pretty much a deal-breaker careerwise.  If you aren't President, Speaker of the House, or a Kennedy, you can't withstand this kind of fire.  Time to take a closer look at that employment line you politicians like to talk about so much.

Celebrity cyber-sluttery can go one of two ways . . .

The right way.

And the wrong way.

What was his campaign slogan anyway, "Vote for Weiner"?  I have to think he was elected in the first place as a kind of joke, like Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger, but then people woke up the next morning and said, "Oh, shit, what did we do?"  It's the political equivalent of a one-night stand.  Except there is no Plan B.


Casey Anthony Trial - Bitch did it.

Bitch did it.  To reiterate, bitch did it.  End of story.  That should have been the prosecution's opening, closing, and only statement.  I'm all for justice and procedure, but how did this take almost three years to come to trial, let alone last more than twelve seconds?  She basically Googled "Murdering children and covering it up afterward," her car trunk smells like dead toddler, and there is abso-fucking-lutely no other reasonable way to explain her daughter's death.  I've seldom wished more fervently that the Boondock Saints would just bust into the courtroom, recite what is universally recognized as The World's Most Badass Prayer, and give this cunt a set of copper contact lenses.

Weiner wishes his crotch-shots looked this badass.

How is Casey Anthony's position even defensible?  She killed her own child not out of some strange my-child-is-a-demon-possessed-alien psychosis or a violent fit of menstrual rage, but because . . she didn't want to have a kid.  She researched, planned, and executed the murder with the cold clarity of Hannibal Lecter, just so she could restart her budding Girls Gone Wild career.  That's so horrifically creepy, it has to qualify as a mental disorder in and of itself.

Anthony Syndrome : an extreme form of dementia characterized by robot-like emotional detachment coupled with pedicidal tendencies (after the fucked-up, psychopathic bitch Casey Anthony, who killed her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee, so she could go back to drinking, partying, and presumably having more indiscriminate, unprotected sex.  Seriously.)


GOP Debates - Old white men don't like Obama

Even a flashy set pilfered from Deal or No Deal could not make the Howie Mandel-less Republican debate in New Hampshire more interesting than the average colonoscopy.  The Token Black Guy and Non-Palin Woman squared off with the Real Candidates on such issues as quotable sound-bytes and rocketing Hispanic children into the sun.

Can you spot the real Republican presidential nominee in this picture?  (*Hint: He doesn't have a  yellow tie or a vagina.)

As part of their overall Alienate-Everyone-But-Our-Diminishing-Base strategy, the candidates explained how they each have a quick, easy way to "resolve the housing crisis" that they have just been sitting on, waiting to be asked, and how much fun it will be to deny medical and educational services to dark children so that more of the numerically-superior, Republican-voting white trash, hillbillies, and other NASCAR-enthusiasts can leech off the system instead.  In the media, the debate was met with a resounding "meh."  You can check out a video clip below:

No, your computer isn't buffering, they're really just that stiff.

Lady Gaga - You're still here?

I don't care what the song says, nobody was born this way.