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What? That's what methought, trollop. |
These days, the term "douchebag" is thrown about willy-nilly, applied to any male exhibiting mildly dickish behavior and even used ironically by obvious douchebags like Kanye West in their music. I have heard the label generically applied to emo-kids, snobbish business-types, and even women (the proper technical term being "bitch, "cunt," or, if you want to groundlessly question her sexual habits, any derivation of "whore"). This cannot continue if we are to address the very real problem of epidemic douchebaggery. Back In The Day, the word had a more specific meaning, coined to describe a largely new type of self-deluded, insufferable asshole the world had not previously seen, the origin of which remains a mystery to modern science.
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I have my theories. |
And the scariest part?
You just might be one without knowing it. Hard to believe, isn't it? But, just like contracting AIDS, it can happen to anyone if they are not careful. Except me. I'm not a complete retard. Since I am blessed with a discerning wit and an inexplicable humanitarian streak, I am going to help you, the masses, recognize and avoid the epithet that equates you with a vaginal cleansing product. You're welcome.
Warning Sign 1: Improper Use of Sunglasses
This is a newer one, the latest development in super-douchey moves. It's a real fashion statement. The statement, unfortunately, is, "I need a curb-stomping. Bad." When not being used to block harmful solar rays from your precious baby-blues, your sunglasses belong in one of four places: (1) on top of your head, (2) hanging from the front of your shirt-collar, (3) in your breast-pocket, or (4) not on your person. Otherwise, you are just asking to have them put a fifth place: up your ass. It should go without saying that this is sartorially-reprehensible:
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Don't look at me that way. |
Do you really want to emulate this bag of cocks? |
It's cliche because it's true, kids. You pop your collar, you become Insta-Douche. From zero to douchebag in .50 seconds. David Blaine himself will be astounded at your feat of magically-pretentious doucheification. Truly, I cannot stress this enough, because I see it more than most any other sign, and not one goddamned swinging dick on the planet can make it look less than monumentally douchey. Have I employed enough variations of "douchebag" in this paragraph to make my point clear? The fact that I even have to point this out is physically sickening to me, and threatens to implode my mind.
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Welcome to Douchebag City, population: your stupid ass. Seriously, though, burn in hell. |
Warning Sign 3: Excessive Bluetooth Usage
Remember 20 years ago, when Star Trek: The Next Generation was the coolest thing on TV and everyone wanted to look just like a roboticized zombie-clone member of the Borg? No? Maybe that's because it never was cool. And it's not much cooler now.
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"Dude, Borg-Picard is the shiznit!" |
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Are. You. Serious? Douchebag hat-trick! |
Warning Sign 4: Hat and/or Visor Abuse
It takes the right man to wear a hat in the first place. Honestly, think about your male friends (assuming you have any) and you'll realize what most people already subconsciously do - some guys can pull off the hat look, others cannot. It's a basic principle of fashion science.
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Johnny Depp, for instance, wears the shit out of any hat. |
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Meditate on that, Buddhadouche. |
Warning Sign 5: Color Uncoordination
Take a quick look inside you pants. Is there a penis there? With gonads? Ok, then give Don Johnson back his cotton candy pink V-neck so that he has something to wear under his white blazer. I know I'm going to get berated for this, but I have a website on the Internet, so I am right. Men, as a rule, should not wear pink unless they are actively soliciting anal sex. Lighter shades of purple are questionable enough, but pink is just plain out, in more ways than one. Can some guys wear it? Yes, but why risk it? Odds are, you look better in virtually any other color. This may actually be more a case of effect than cause - wearing a pink shirt didn't originally make you a douchebag, but so many douchebags now favor the color that they have effectively decimated what little credibility it had.
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Your rebuttal was going to be . . . ? |
So, with that said, I hope you are better-prepared to identify the signs of douchebaggery and take appropriate remedial actions. Together, we can check the spread of this vile blight on our society, showing the world that, while the USA may be the leading producer of ignorant assholes, even we know it's wrong to take a bull's load to the face and use it as styling product. And to any douchebags who may cross my path . . .