I lied.
To make matters worse, I even knew I was lying on some level. So it was a crackhead promise. I didn't have many fully-formed ideas on deck. More than that, I did not have the pure indignant bile to keep spewing witty criticism and linguistically-acrobatic dick jokes like Eminem if he hadn't dropped out of high school (and thus became cooler and more successful than God). That's right, I am comparing myself to His Shadiness. And this is my Recovery, my comeback, my return to the game.
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Back in the hizzay, or whatever cool kids say now. |
So, what am I offering in penance for my sin of sloth? How about . . .
A brief treatise on awesome things.
Bet you didn't see that coming, did you, fuckers? I am not going to criticize (much). I am not going to scoff (excessively). I am not going to nitpick (more than necessary for the sake of journalistic objectivity). No, this little monograph is going to be positive, reflecting my new view of the world. Hardened? Yes. Self-aware? Of course. Unapologetic? Always. But scathingly pessimistic? Not until something new pisses me off royally. Let's see how it goes.
For starters, there's this:
Electrified brass knuckles. Just say it out loud. Electrified. Brass. Knuckles. Granted, they appear to be made from some non-conductive poly-carbon fiber, but that just makes them even more space-age and badass. Your enemies will metaphorically shit themselves when they see you slip on these instruments of pain, then literally shit themselves as they receive the brunt of 95,000 volts special-delivered by your right hook. Naturally, you will have to christen your newly-empowered fists with suitable epithets like the Right Hand of Doom or the Nemean Cestus (just skip to the 3:00 mark to see it in action).
Like good ol' deicide-happy God of War Kratos there, you will soon be dealing out justice with your glowing blue five-finger Mary. Whether or not your enemies will explode violently remains to be seen. What mad genius suckled on the lore of Marvel and DC came up with the stun-knux I don't know, but odds are he read this issue of Batman:
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*Insert your own obligatory homoerotic joke here.* |
Then there is spider-silk body armor. No, that is not just some slick nickname thought up by savvy marketers, it is a literal description of the next generation in protective gear. Scientists - presumably the kind you see in movies, as opposed to the boring, AIDS-researching kind - have long known that the humble spider's webbing is, milligram for infinitesimal milligram, insanely strong, while being brain-fuckingly lightweight and flexible. Yes, I just coined that term. You're welcome. How strong is it? Well, the average spider dragline has ten times the durability of Kevlar. You know, the petroleum-based product used to make bullet-proof vests and military-grade body armor. The trouble was convincing our arachnid friends to weave us suits of sticky invulnerability.
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C'mon, guys, you totally owe us one. Let's just forget that whole Raid thing. |
Finally, does anyone remember a little trilogy of 80s films called collectively Back to the Future? It is now almost 30 years old, which kind of makes me want to cry, but I am betting a few of you retro kids are aware of its existence. Part 2 takes place largely in the ultra-distant year of 2015 when unforeseeable leaps in technology, like wearing two neckties at once, have become commonplace and the Japanese make all the coolest shit. Well, we are now ahead of schedule on that revolution, because Honda recently announced they have built a flying car.
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Would you expect it to look any other way? |
So, if you haven't figured it out yet, I saw The Avengers this week, meaning thoughts of superheroism are running through my fevered mind. And, like every other geek on the Internet, I had to find a way to talk about it. Combine the above Stark Industries/Wayne Enterprises technologies with a six-week course at the local taekwondo dojo/dry-cleaner's/fusion curry house, and you've got a recipe for sweet vigilante justice.
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And whoever said the world doesn't need more heroes never tasted sweet justice. |
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Really, what could go wrong? |